Tuesday, January 11, 2011

a stab to the heart

When I announced to my family that I wanted to seriously pursue doing makeup as a freelance artist I was greeted with the reaction that I figured I was going to get. The uh huh sure nods, the seems kinda expensive, and the aren't you making enough money with company x. Company X is a good company they pay my bills and leave me fun money afterwards. But I am super girly girl, and after working for a cosmetics company I knew this was something I wanted to do and eventually building it into a full time career. There was one exception and that was the Hubs, who said to reach for the stars and that he would have my back.I was given a really hard blow to the heart when the hubs asked me what I was doing because I had not had a paying job yet. That hurt. I had explained to him after meeting with a woman who has taken the initiative to provide guidance and insight on how to break into the industry the right way. She told us that this was going to be an investment to start and we would be working for little or nothing at all until we built a strong portfolio. All which seemed understood. I guess I misunderstood his stance on it but it broke my heart when he told me I was doing nothing with it, I attempted to explain the price points and how if I picked up everything I would need all at once we wouldn't groceries or electricity. I felt like all of the support that was given verbally was a facade, I told him if he wanted me to stop then I would, and the look of relief in his face was like a wrecking ball to my stomach. I feel like I was being selfish, and no one had the nerve to just say it outloud.

I know that it is a huge risk with to take to try and branch into your own business, and rather than feeling excited I feel disgusted with myself because I feel like I was being selfish going after something that was not a sure thing.